Happy Birthday Lisa Vanderpump!

It’s been a while since I’ve written any blogs and I have great news! …They’re coming back! I’m happy that my first blog coming back is to wish the queen of Beverly Hills, Lisa Vanderpump, a very happy birthday!

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To show my love and appreciation for her, I’ll be listing some of the many qualities about her that make her so lovable.

  1. She’s a huge animal lover.

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We all know that Lisa is not complete without her baby, Giggy, by her side. However, her love is not limited to just dogs. She’s a huge advocate for animal rights. She’s currently organizing a march on October 4th to spread awareness of the barbaric and heinous event known as the Yulin Dog Meat Festival. It’s an annual festival in China where dogs are kidnapped from loving homes, or picked up on the street and are tortured: boiled and skinned alive. If you want to know more about the festival and how you can help make a difference, please visit http://www.stopyulinforever.org. Sign the petition and spread the word.

2. She’s madly in love with her husband.

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In a world where divorce is more common than the flu, Ken and Lisa are still crazy about each other after 32 years of marriage. This is truly a rare and precious thing in this day and age.

3. Once she’s your friend, there’s no other person you’ll find who is more loyal than her.

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From the moment she graced our screens, it’s been evident that Lisa goes all out for her friends. She’s always there to provide a shoulder to cry on, she helps you with your problems, she’ll defend you and she treats you like family.

4. She has the greatest sense of humor.

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Her sense of humor is incredibly dry and British. Not many understand her sense of humor, but if you really know her, then you know she means no harm in what she says. Her sense of humor has gotten her into trouble with her co-stars in the past, but hey, they’re no innocents.

5. She’s a straight shooter.

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Lisa’s not afraid to say what’s on her mind, and even less afraid to tell you to your face. Some people don’t like her for it, and she may have even lost some friends because of it, but, it has gotten her the right friends in the end.

6. She’s fierce.

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Whether she’s appearing in Lady Gaga’s music videos or whipping her staff at SUR into shape, Lisa is one fierce woman. And finally…

7. She’s simply Vanderfabulous.

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Love her or hate her, at the end of the day, she’s living the life she built for herself. She is 100% self made. She left home at 18 years old with no money and has built an empire for herself. Say what you will, but this woman has it all and has worked her ass off for it.

Happy Birthday, Lisa. I hope your day is filled with love, joy, diamonds and rosé. Wishing you many more!

#RHOBH Happy Lisa Vanderpump Day!

Lisa Vanderpump is many things, mother, wife, restaurateur, philanthropist, animal lover, TV personality, the list goes on and on. On March 1st, 2011, the Mayor of Beverly Hills, Jimmy Delshad, presented Lisa Vanderpump with the key to the city. He also declared it Lisa Vanderpump Day in Beverly Hills.

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So since it’s that time of year again, I thought it would be fun to celebrate all the qualities we love about Lisa Vanderpump. So here’s to the woman we’ve come to know and love!

She’s an amazing wife and mother.

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A spokesperson for the LGBT community. #EqualRights

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The mother of the most famous dog in the world, Giggy.

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Not to mention that as a housewife, she’s made a lot of history. One of them being the first housewife to be asked to participate on Dancing with the Stars after they placed a ban on all the housewives.

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She’s an incredibly loyal friend, to the point where she’s almost compromising her beliefs and integrity.

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She’s smart enough to know that once someone shows you their true self, believe them.

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As your friend, she’ll never judge you.

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Was fierce in Lady Gaga’s music video for G.U.Y.

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Has the best sense of humor of all the housewives.

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Takes no nonsense from anyone.

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She always gets the good tea.

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When Brandi rallied all the women together to gang up on Lisa to dethrone her, she came back stronger than before.

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And gave us the gift that keeps on giving: Vanderpump Rules.

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Whether she’s being a great mother to her children and puppies, or getting attacked by the entire cast, Lisa Vanderpump was, still is and always will be, the best. We love you, Lisa. Don’t you ever forget that.

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Below are some more of my favorite GIF’s of Lisa and Giggy.

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#PumpRules S03E10 “Bachelorette Beach Party” Recap

This has been a rather tumultuous season, to say the least. A lot of drama, a lot of tears, a lot of fun and a lot of gossip.

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Everybody’s packing and getting ready to go to Miami. Jax got stitches on his head because he’s an idiot and because Karma bit him in the ass– or in this case, smacked him on the head. Tom and Ariana are annoyed that Kristen and James are going to Miami with them and I’m with ya. Ariana is just worried that Kristen will spoil the trip by trying to cause drama. There’s no need for Kristen to try, she is drama– and a terrible excuse for a human being.

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We’re in Miami, bitch! Sorry, I had to. This episode was meant for that. So Vail’s expectations and hopes for this trip is to not get arrested. I’d say that sounds about right. They arrive at their hotel and Jax, James and Kristen ruined the whole rooming situation. Scheana’s hotel suite looks amazing! Poor Sandoval and Schwartz have a tiny room with one bed and the three of them have to share thanks to Jax’s cheap ass. If I were Sandoval, I’d book another room and take Schwartz with me so that Jax can be alone, because, let’s be honest, no one in this group wants to sleep with Jax– except maybe Vail… and Kristen.

Jax goes to take a shower and he literally has the ugliest and flattest ass I’ve ever seen in my life. Get some butt implants, dude. Scheana calls Lisa to thank her for the champagne and the room. Like I said, I would love to have Lisa as a boss.

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Over at PUMP, Lisa is waiting for Pandora to arrive. Pandora is helping Lisa out by managing PUMP until she can find a new manager. Pandora is definitely her mother’s daughter. She is definitely a boss. This side of Pandora actually scares me a little. He he.

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Everyone meets up for dinner. Scheana says that she loves how Tom and Ariana didn’t plan to wear matching outfits but they totally are. Kristen is clearly jealous and tries to throw shade but fails…miserably. Much like her life.

Sidenote: I know I sound so mean when I recap Vanderpump Rules but that’s because I’ve never seen anyone on television that annoys the hell out of me like Jax and Kristen. If they are not fired after this season, this may be my first and last season recapping and possibly watching. I love you, Lisa, but these two have got to go.

Ariana reads tasks for them to do while they’re in Miami. Okay, I didn’t think it was possible to love her any more than I already do, but it turns out, I was wrong. LOVE HER. Scheana tries to make a speech and drags Stassi into it only to find out that Stassi has stopped talking to Katie for going on the bachelorette trip. Stassi needs to actually grow the fuck up instead of telling everybody that she’s grown the fuck up.

Scheana then asks Jax why Tiffany wasn’t there and he’s making up lies. Vail wants to know if he and Tiffany are off again. For God’s sake, Vail! You’re the only one who cares about Jax! I guess, she’ll have to find out for herself why nobody likes him. He says that he told her not to come. Katie asks if it has anything to do with San Diego and he says yes. He immediately gets defensive because he has something to hide and threatens to pick on everyone at the table. You already have, dumbass.

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Back at the hotel, Vail is following Jax around and flirting with him and prying into his business. I liked her at first, but I’m over her. She’s clearly setting herself up for drama and pain.

Over at PUMP, Pandora is managing the place and she is clearly not happy with Lisa for making her miss the bachelorette party. Also, who knew that Pandy was such a sassy pants? I guess she got it from her mama. See what I did there?

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The next day Vail and Katie are talking about the night before. Vail was wasted and had no idea how she even got to bed. Katie warns her of his pattern of how he acts when he has a girlfriend and is trying to sleep with someone else. Vail says that Jax is calling himself a bad person and she feels sorry for him. Katie tells her that he is right and Vail feels bad. Everyone should stop warning Vail because this woman has to find out for herself why Jax is a bad person.

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It’s time to get on the boat. It looks like a ton of fun. Ariana is of course, giving Scheana a twerking lap dance as she should. It’s starting to rain and Jax is the only one in the water. They’re pretending to leave him– I wish they would. On the boat, Jax admits he’s been texting his ex-girlfriend, Carmen and his current girlfriend, Tiffany. Basically being the piece of shit that he is. He also invited both of them to Miami.

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It’s time for dinner and everyone left the hotel, leaving James behind. Shay is the only one who cares. There’s a dinner for guys only and the other for only the girls. Katie thanks Scheana for including her on the trip and is happy that they are both in a better place now. Wow, they really are doing the tasks that Ariana gave them to do, including signing a stranger’s ass. I have to say, for a cute guy, the stranger had a not so cute ass– though it was better than Jax’s.

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Back at PUMP, Lisa and Pandora have a very nice and heartwarming mother-daughter talk. Lisa says that she knows she could never find someone who has the same taste as her and thirst for perfection so she created her. Literally.

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Back at the guys’s dinner, Sandoval calls Jax out for banging a bootleg chick in their bathroom and Jax is denying it. Of course he is. James is texting the entire conversation to Kristen and she’s giving that evil, creepy grin, like a pervert. She is happy about this because according to Kristen logic, Jax will get backed into a corner and reveal the “truth” about Tom cheating on Ariana in Miami.

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Kristen excuses herself and heads to the bathroom and Vail basically swipes her phone and reads the conversation to everyone. Okay, I love Vail again. She tells them about Jax railing a girl in the bathroom. Kristen comes back and it is awkward. And by awkward I mean hilarious. Scheana tries to get information out of Kristen and Kristen is pretending that everything is fine. This girl is so full of shit and everyone knows it.

Sandoval is calling out Jax again and Jax is getting more and more defensive and is trying to deflect by calling out Sandoval and Schwartz’s “cheating.” Sandoval heads to the bar and Jax follows. Jax tells him that he and Schwartz are like his brothers but yet he continues to fuck them over. But then again, they are the ones who keep him around so it’s like they’re asking for it.

Next week’s episode looks juicy. Rumors about Jax’s past with a guy comes to light. I’ll be honest, I’ve been hearing those rumors for years ever since Pump Rules started.

What did you all think about this week’s episode? Let me know in the comments section or tweet me @SalvaCam21.

#PumpRules S03E08 “Mind The Jax” Recap

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and New Year. So sorry I haven’t been keeping up with my recaps. Things have been crazy busy lately and I finally have some down time to catch up on the recaps. Let’s get down to it, shall we?

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Lisa is having a meeting at Villa Blanca with the executive chef there. She admits that she has dropped the ball a bit with Villa Blanca due to the stress of opening PUMP. After the meeting she runs into Jax. Jax inquires about Vail and Lisa immediately warns him to stay away from her. Lisa could care less who he sleeps with as long as it’s not somebody working at SUR. I have an idea, Lisa, fire the piece of shit that is known as Jax, and fire Kristen and her fetus fame whoring boyfriend, James as well!

Next, I see James and Kristen and Scheana and Shay together and I’m skipping it. I love Scheana but not enough for me to burn my eyes watching Kristen. Just writing about her has me smelling cigarettes and stale coffee. Yuck.

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Stassi, Katie, Kristina, Dani and Vail get together for dinner. Stassi wants to take Vail under her wing and teach her who to like and hate at SUR. Sidenote: I’m over Stassi. I used to like her, I thought she was funny, but she’s nothing more than an ungrateful, spoiled, selfish, entitled bitch.

Vail tells them that she studied architecture at Princeton and they are all shocked. As was I. Them trying to get to know her is coming across as an interrogation and Vail is clearly uncomfortable. Jeez, these girls are giving LA women a bad look. In fact, they give women in general a bad look.

Vail tells Katie that she doesn’t understand what Jax did to her and her boyfriend and Katie informs her about the lie Jax created. Stassi, in her confessional, says that she believes Schwartz is guilty. Way to be a good friend. Bitch.

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Before her shift, Katie decides to have a talk with Lisa at PUMP about Jax. She tells Lisa about everything that Jax has said and done. She wants Lisa to move Jax over to PUMP. Again, she should fire Jax instead. He’s creating a hostile work environment and that’s unacceptable. He was only hired because Stassi begged Lisa to give him a job anyway. And it’s not like he’s good at it.

Lisa asks Katie that if she were to give Schwartz an ultimatum between her and Jax, who does she think he would choose. She says she believes he would choose Jax. That says a lot. If that’s the case, dump him. Lisa gets to the root of the problem; that it’s not really Jax, it’s the fact that he consistently lets her down.

Katie breaks down and I want to hug her, but Lisa does it for me. Thanks Lisa! “Sometimes we know what to do, we just don’t want to do it,” Lisa assures Katie. Wise words, Lisa.

Oh look, James and Kristen again. Skipping.

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Katie and Schwartz go to couples therapy. Good for them. I like them as a couple but I think Schwartz has got to get his shit together. Schwartz is starting off with a joke and Katie is annoyed. It’s time to be serious, Schwartz.

Schwartz admitted that he takes her for granted and doesn’t give her the love she deserves. He also says that he felt the need to hide things from her because he built up a wall around her and it’s affected the way he’s treated her. Good for him for recognizing that.

Katie admits to feeling insecure because they also don’t have sex and she doesn’t know if he’s attracted to her anymore. He vows to be more open and affectionate towards her. Hopefully things work out in their favor. I’m rooting for y’all!

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Scheana and Jax head over to Sandoval’s apartment. Somehow Sandoval has nail polish on him and it won’t come off. LOL.

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Jax and his girlfriend broke up but he lies to Scheana and Tom saying that they didn’t. Tom pulls up the text Jax sent them saying that they broke up. Um, what’s the point of lying about that? Oh wait, it’s Jax. He lies about everything.

Vail calls Jax and asks him if he and Tiffany got back together. Scheana is surprised that he told Vail and he invites her out to coffee. For someone who graduated from Princeton, Vail isn’t that smart. Everybody and their grandma knows to stay away from Jax. Scheana tells Sandoval that James wants to talk to him because he doesn’t understand how he can forgive Jax but not James. I don’t understand it either. I say cut ’em both loose. This leads into Tom rehashing everything and Jax looks so uncomfortable talking about this and I love it.

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Tom says that the reason he doesn’t want James in his life is because he is dating the one person that’s the most destructive in his life. Here, here!

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Lisa is making the rounds at SUR. Peter is on my screen. Swoon! Katie passes by and Lisa pulls her over to have a little talk. She asks how they are doing and Katie is happy to report that she had a breakthrough with Schwartz. Katie thanks her for the advice. I would love to work for Lisa. She’d be the best boss ever.

Vail is working and Scheana pops in to say hello. Of course it’s the perfect opportunity to gossip about Jax. Vail confirms that Jax texted her about his breakup. Vail is confused as to why Jax would lie about that. Girl, don’t question it, just accept that Jax is a pathological liar.

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Stassi is babysitting her friends’, Jen and Jeremy, baby boy, Kingston. That little boy is too adorable for words. I could just pinch his cheeks all day. They put him in Stassi’s clothes along with Schwartz and they play “Who Wore it Better?” Kingston wore it better. Duh.

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Vail meets up with Jax over lunch and like my friend (@gangstagay) says: “Vail…oda mae brown

It’s hard to focus on this scene because all I’m seeing is that cold sore on Jax’s upper lip. Gross! Vail calls him out on his lies and I love it. But when it comes to Jax, I still think she’s….naive, to put it nicely.

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At SUR, James pulls Tom aside to talk. Lord, why? James wants to rehash things so that they can put it to bed and Tom is clearly over it and him. Kristen is lurking around as usual. Tom is confused because he thought that they both agreed to go back to the way things were: ignoring each other.

Sandoval is giving James the run down on how Kristen operates and James is getting angry. Why? It’s not like you actually like Kristen. You’re just banging her to be on the show, fool. Oh, right. You have to keep up pretenses. James tells Tom that he’s annoyed that he always has to hear Kristen talk about him and clearly that is his problem, not Tom’s. It’s not Tom’s fault that he will always be second best when it comes to Kristen. Maybe it’s third best, because she did bang Jax a second time, so clearly he can’t be that bad. Yuck.

Kristen then decides to talk Tom about their argument. Once again, she tries to insinuate that Sandoval cheated on her with Ariana by banging her. Um, no honey, they banged after you broke up. Deal with it. Besides, weren’t you the one who banged Jax twice and had an emotional and physical affair with some other dude while you were very much in a relationship with Tom?

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I’m so over this girl. I think she needs to be fired and committed to a psychiatric facility for the rest of her days. Until then,

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Thanks for reading. Let me know what you thought of this episode in the comments section or tweet me @SalvaCam21.

#PumpRules S03E07 “New Girl, Old Grudges” Recap

Once again, sorry for the late posts. Christmas time is one of my busiest times of the year so I hope you all are baring with me. It’s week 7 of Vanderpump Rules and I’m sick of Jax and Kristen. Yeah, what’s new, right?

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We’re picking up right back where we left off: at Stassi’s apartment and Shcwartz comes to surprise Katie with another apology and a bouquet of flowers. It’s a sweet gesture, given the conversation they were having. Stassi immediately goes on the attack and starts chastising Schwartz. I get what he did was shitty, but these people need to stay out of their friends’ relationships. Schwartz stands up for himself and Stassi kicks him out. Yep, I knew that was going to happen. Stassi, you’re getting predictable! No bueno.

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There’s a new girl at SUR. Her name is Vail. She’s a Princeton graduate. She seems like she has a good head on her shoulders and sweet. Lisa warns her to stay away from Jax. Vail, listen to me, heed Lisa’s advice.

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Katie and Shwartz are out on a date. I love these two together. Though they have their moments, they compliment each other well, in my opinion. Tom realizes that he needs to be a better boyfriend and he believes that they can work through it and will become stronger as a couple. Here’s hoping! Katie says that although him admitting that he made out with somebody hurt her, she can move past it. And I’m happy, because making out with somebody once when you’re drunk, in my opinion, is not enough to break up a relationship.

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It’s Gay Pride!! And I’m totally disappointed that Peter isn’t shirtless. What gives, Lisa… Aside from Kristen and Jax. SURprisingly, SUR isn’t as busy as usual on Gay Pride. Probably because everybody’s at PUMP.

At PUMP, Stassi pays Schwartz a visit and is trying to chastise him again. Girl, get a new shtick, this one’s getting old. Yes, Schwartz messed up. But he does not have to prove himself to you as he is not dating you. If Katie is willing to move past it, so should you. Move on. Stop harping on it ya damn harpy!

Kristen is talking to her fame whore fetus boyfriend, James, about Sandoval. James is annoyed that all Kristen wants to talk to him about is Tom. Tom this. Tom that. Uh, you knew what you signed up for, buddy! Don’t get annoyed now. Scheana tries to throw a little bit of shade at Lisa. Bad move, girl.

Stassi’s now at SUR and Guillermo makes a cameo! Yay, I love Guillermo. He’s sweet, charming and sexy as hell. Although I would never cheat on Peter, have you guys heard Guillermo’s accent? Swoon!

Jax goes to PUMP to visit Shwartz. Skipping! I can’t stand watching any of Jax’s segments. He’s a repulsive human being.

Kristen tries to confront Ariana. Saying that it’s deja vu because it was that time of year when she asked if she was banging Tom while they were dating. She’s being really nasty to Ariana, claiming that Tom is cheating on her like he did with her. I wish Ariana would take one of the Villa Blanca bottles and break it on Kristen’s head. But that would be too good for Kristen. I think Kristen should be locked up in a padded cell for the rest of her days.

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Stassi meets Vail briefly and starts throwing shade immediately. Though I don’t condone her shade throwing at Scheana (because I want them to put their egos aside and make up) it was pretty funny. “Oh, my God. Scheana looked like 2 butterflies landed on her eyelashes and shit a crayon.”

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At Kristen’s– I mean James’– apartment, she’s getting ready to pick up the rest of her stuff at Tom’s apartment. Seriously? I thought she got all her shit the last time? James is annoyed that she’s getting all dolled up and I’m laughing. Out of all the reality TV stars he could have bedded to enhance his career, he chooses Kristen. Yeah, say goodbye to your DJ career.

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At Sandoval’s apartment, he has Schwartz there as a witness. Good thinking. See why I love Sandoval? He’s not just looks, he’s also got brains. Kristen shows up with her tits hanging out.

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Sandoval reminds her that she’s been kicked out 6 months ago and he shouldn’t be getting any of her stuff. She’s trying to start an argument and Schwartz shuts her down. Yay! #TeamSchwardoval!

Sandoval confronts her about what she said to Ariana at SUR and again, I wish somebody would hit Kristen over the head with a bottle, knocking her ass out cold, and surprising her when she wakes up by locking her in a padded cell. Kristen calls him babe.

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Super awky! Yes, bitch, we know you’re not over him. We know you’re never going to be over him. And most importantly, we know your thirsty ass called him babe on purpose. There was nothing accidental about it. There’s a reason why you’re still a waitress, it’s because you’re not a good enough actress. And scene!

Kristen tries to accuse Sandoval of banging Ariana behind her back…again. Girl, it didn’t happen. You’re the only one who believes that. I’m done with this… psycho. Kristen tells Tom that she wants him to be happy but she fails to realize that he’s only ever truly happy when he’s away from her. So, if you want him to be happy, leave him alone and go bang your fame whoring fetus boyfriend while you can because you know it’s just a matter of time before he dumps your psychotic ass.

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Ariana shows up (Yay!) and you can clearly see a change in Sandoval’s demeanor immediately. When he’s around Kristen, he gets very sulky, sad and angry. When he’s with Ariana, his face lights up like a Christmas tree. Again, this is awkward, considering Ariana will be my wife one day.

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Vail shows up at SUR to meet with Lisa. She says that she was a soap opera actress who lost her way after she got addicted to drugs. She’s now sober and is trying to get back on her feet. Good for her. I respect that. She tells Lisa that she tries to avoid people who will steer her down the wrong path again and Lisa warns her about Jax again. Run, Vail, run!

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Katie, Stassi and Kristina Kelly (I still don’t think that’s a real name) are out baking a cake for Peter’s birthday. Katie basically tells them about her talk with Schwartz on their date. Stassi really went from “Queen Bee” of the group to irrelevant outsider who’s quickly getting on my nerves. Once again, Stassi’s trying to impose her rules and her beliefs on another couple’s relationship. Girl, do you not see you’re doing the same thing that Jax is trying to do? The only difference is, she’s doing it in a less evil way than Jax is.

Oy vey, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of this season. Maybe I should be drinking when I watch this show. No, I don’t want to die from alcohol poisoning. What did you think of this episode? Let me know in the comments section or tweet me @SalvaCam21.

Merry Christmas guys! Wishing you all a fun, safe Christmas with all of your loved ones.

#PumpRules S03E06 “Kiss And Tell” Recap

It’s week six of the intoxicating show that is Vanderpump Rules and so far my disgust for Kristen and Jax has only grown stronger. I don’t get how these two have friends. They are the most disgusting and pathetic excuse for people I have ever had the displeasure of watching. With that said, let’s get into it, shall we?

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At Katie and Tom Shwartz’s apartment, Katie is doing Tom’s hair for a modeling job that he got. Stassi comes over and Katie downloads Stassi about the fight between her and Jax and how Tom basically sat back and did nothing while his girlfriend was under attack. Tom’s trying to justify his actions– or lack thereof– by trying to put some of the blame on Katie and Stassi’s like…

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Stassi says that Jax is truly the most horrible person that ever existed and I’m surprised she forgot about Kristen. She also says that she feels a bit offended that Shwartz keeps defending Jax. I concur.

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Kristen is over at Scheana’s apartment and they’re both talking shit about Katie. I don’t know what’s been going on with Scheana but I’ve been disappointed in her lately. Trash talking is very unbecoming of you, Scheana. Stop it. I guess Kristen is having a stronger influence on her than she realizes.

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Kristen sends Stassi a text and asks if they can meet up to have a talk. Really? If I were Stassi I wouldn’t have replied to her. I would’ve had her number blocked along with Jax’s. But she’s hoping Kristen will give her a genuine apology. Didn’t she do that at the finale and the reunion? Anyway, it would be nice to see again. Katie tells Stassi that she hears Kristen is going around saying that she wants to “take Katie down.” I don’t doubt it, that girl is sick and twisted.

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Over at PUMP, Lisa is having a meeting and is planning a “50 gay mayors” party at PUMP. She says it’s a chance for all the gay mayors to come together…not literally. Love her sense of humor. She calls Tom and Tom over and tells them that they’ll be tray passing at the party. Sandoval is mortified and Shwartz is looking relieved, like in his head he’s saying, “Yes! Finally, something I can do!” Sandoval says that he’ll do it if Jax does it and so Lisa says Jax will do it. Good.

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Finally, Kristen and Stassi meet up. It’s awkward. Kristen sort of apologizes and Stassi immediately goes to Katie’s defense. She confronts her about wanting to take Katie down. Of course, she denies it and deflects by bringing up another rumor that she “knows for a fact” because someone told her and she didn’t actually see it happen with her own eyes: Shwartz cheated on Katie in Vegas with Jax’s girlfriend’s friend. Um, haven’t these guys learned by now that Vegas is their enemy when they’re in relationships? What happens in Vegas clearly doesn’t stay there when it comes to this group.

Jax is at his therapy session and I’m skipping it. I can’t stomach that…male. I can’t even call him a man because in my opinion, he’s not a man, he’s a…

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Katie is getting ready for work and Stassi drops by to deliver the news that Kristen had told her, that Shwartz had sex with a girl in Vegas, as told by Jax, and he made out with some girl when he was drunk, as told by Scheana. Scheana is getting pretty messy. Katie doesn’t believe it and is planning on confronting Jax at SUR. Do it, girl! Stassi also doesn’t believe it, but she’s being realistic when she says, “If you’re going to hang around shitty people, pretty soon you’re going to start doing shitty things.” Touché.

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At SUR, Kristen goes to talk to Jax to make sure the rumors she has been spreading is accurate, and of course, Jax is back peddling. Um, I don’t know about you guys, but I never saw that coming. (I’m being sarcastic, JSYK). Jax says that he wish he could see Schwartz banging a girl in front of Katie– that will make his life, apparently. Is he related to Aviva Drescher’s dad, Geroge? They’re both disgusting perverts.

Katie confronts Jax about spreading the rumors and he says that he never said Schwartz had sex with a girl in Vegas because he “didn’t see it with his own eyes.” If I took a shot for every time Jax said that, I’d die from alcohol poisoning. Katie then confronts Kristen out back and Kristen redirects her to Jax and Scheana as the two sources of these rumors. Katie tells her that Jax believes that she wants to take down their relationship as well and the look on Kristen’s face is priceless. Who to believe? The messy liar, or the messier liar? Hmm…

Scheana arrives and Kristen asks Scheana in front of Katie if she said that Schwartz kissed another girl and she said yes. It happened a year or two ago. Kristen says that she believes Schwartz is a good guy but believes that he cheated on Katie. Of course, she’s trying to get as much company as she can. The gutter must be so lonely.

Schwartz then shows up and Katie confronts him about the rumors. He comes clean about making out with a girl a year or two ago. I’m shocked. I really did not see that one coming. Katie immediately breaks down and all I want to do is jump through my screen and hug her. After, he tells Jax to come out and Jax starts attacking Katie once again and Tom apologizes to Jax.

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WTF?! Schwartz, get your head out of Jax’s ass! It’s not a hat!

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Lisa’s in her office with Ken and she gets a visit from Sham Ibrahim, a very talented artist. Some of his art work is on Lisa’s walls. They’re stunning. I want a portrait done by him!

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Schwartz goes over to Jax’s apartment to confront him about the night at SUR. Jax admits that he told Kristen he cheated on Katie only because he believes that Katie’s a bad person and is trying to “save” Tom from that relationship. Did I mention Jax was a low-life bitch? Finally Schwartz is defending Katie and putting Jax in his place. Wait, what’s that? Oh, it’s a little bit of the respect I had for Schwartz creeping back. Finally he grew a pair and stood up for his lady.

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It’s party time at PUMP and one of my favorite housewives of Miami makes an appearance: Lea Black! Granted we only see her for a half of a second through a phone screen, but still… yay! Schwartz and Sandoval have a talk before Jax arrives. Poor Schwartzy hasn’t slept because of Jax’s messiness. He tells Sandoval that Jax basically said he was planting seeds because of his hatred for Katie. Tom, Tom and Jax change into PUMP uniforms and starts tray passing. It’s hilarious.

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Stassi says that she doesn’t want to compare Jax and Schwartz because it’s an insult to Schwartz. Indeed it is. But we’ve both come to the conclusion that it’s sad that he did it and our radars were off a little bit. Katie is pretty much done with Jax and she’s all…

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Stassi believes that Katie should stand up for herself and her relationship so that she can move forward. I agree. Kristina says that she believes the admission of the make out will lead to Schwartz admitting he slept with that girl in a few weeks. I’m like…

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Katie says they had a serious talk and he said that he was going through a period where he was very doubtful and unhappy in their relationship and she asked him if he ever sees them getting married. She feels like years from now he still won’t be ready when she is and she’s wondering if it’s because he’s just not that in love with her. I’m truly sad and heartbroken for her. The pain on her face is evident. Stassi tells her that she doesn’t want to see them break up but she needs to stand up for herself. Yes, Stassi, we get it. She gets it. Stop and just be there for your friend. Schwartz comes in with a bouquet of flowers and the episode ends.

All in all, it was an emotionally exhausting episode. I would’ve liked to see a bit more Ariana and a lot less of Jax and Kristen scheming to screw people over. But, hey, in life, we can’t always get what we want.

What are your thoughts about last night’s episode? Let me know in the comments section or tweet me @SalvaCam21.

#PumpRules S03E05 “In The Doghouse” Recap

We’re back to another episode of Vanderpump Rules. This is the most dysfunctional group of “friends” I have ever seen.

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Ariana and Tom Sandoval meet Tom Shwartz at the Bark ‘N Bitches pet store. He’s planning on getting a dog for Katie to delay him from proposing. Tom tells them that Katie wants to have a baby, but I’m pretty sure she’s not going to get that baby until Tom Swhartz gets his shit together.

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Stassi meets up with Lisa at SUR and Scheana is their waitress. Awkward. Scheana is giving major attitude to Stassi and Lisa reminds her that Stassi is the customer. Stassi tells her, “I don’t actually know what I’ve done to you but I’ll have a Pinot Grigio.”

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Like Lisa said, they both need to check their egos at the door because they were better friends than enemies. Lisa also tells Stassi that she wants her to be her stylist for a photo shoot that she’s doing at PUMP so that Stassi can add that to her résumé. Did I mention that Lisa is the best boss ever?

Jax is at the doctor for his nose and I’m skipping it. I’m eating and I don’t need to see anything gross. It’s already bad enough that I have to watch Kristen while I’m eating.

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Stassi and Katie are hanging out at Katie’s apartment and Tom tries to surprise Katie with their new baby by having the dog go in first (like Lisa did with Giggy in Paris) but fails when the dog decides to go his own way. Cute. The look on Katie’s face when she sees the dog is priceless. They’re so cute together.

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Lisa and Ken are having dinner at SUR and Kristen (ugh) is their waitress. Lisa’s not too happy to see her. I share the same sentiments as you, LIsa. So fire her already! Lisa lets her know that if she screws up one more time, she’s out. I hope she means it this time. This girl is bringing this show down. Jax arrives with his bandage on his nose– anything for attention. Katie approaches him and inquires about how he’s doing and he’s acting like a bitch. To quote my least favorite RHOC, Tamra, “You are a man, not a woman. Act like one.”

After Katie leaves, Scheana comes to the bar to gossip with her good girlfriend, Jax. They start talking shit about Katie and I’m disappointed in Scheana. I want the Scheana from season 1 to come back. Scheana says that couples should aspire to be like her and Shay. Girl, let me give you some words of advice: a little humility goes a long way. Stop acting like your shit doesn’t stink, ‘kay?

Then Jax goes to talk with Kristen about Katie and how she motor-boated some guy’s crotch. Um, you two are the most disgusting out of the group, so why are you even talking?

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Stassi arrives at Villa Rosa to help Lisa get ready for her photo shoot. Lisa is doing her hair while Stassi is picking out the accessories to go with Lisa’s outfits. She’s also Giggy’s stylist for the day.

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Ariana, Tom Sandoval, Scheana, Shay, Peter (swoon) and Jax are at a rooftop pool party and I want to join…with just Ariana, Tom, Scheana and Peter. Jax starts talking about how Schwartz isn’t there because Katie doesn’t like Scheana and Jax. Really? I swear, Jax is the biggest bitch on this show. I think he’s aspiring to be the new Regina George.

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At PUMP, Lisa is doing her photo shoot and Stassi is acting like an ingrate. She says that Lisa isn’t paying her for the shoot. Girl, she hired you for this show. I’m pretty sure that check trumps the check you would have gotten to pick out her accessories. Be grateful. She’s helping you out with experience and you got to network with the photographer. Also, remember, when you’re planning on networking, always have some business cards ready.

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Jax and Tom Sandoval visit Tom Shwartz at his apartment since he didn’t go to the pool party. Jax immediately starts attacking Katie in front of him and I lost all respect for Shwartz for not sticking up for his girlfriend and not punching Jax in his newly reconstructed nose for disrespecting him and his girlfriend in their own place. That’s not a friend, Shwartz!

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At SUR, Kristen (ugh) is complaining how Katie is one of the friends she lost after she lied. Aw, poor cheating, lying, psychotic Kristen. Katie is on a break out back and Kristen joins her and immediately jumps into why aren’t they friends anymore.

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Because Katie isn’t being very receptive for her, Kristopath goes for the jugular and accuses her of cheating on Tom Shwartz, because although she wasn’t there, she heard it from Jax. So then, it must be true because we all know Jax is the most honest person on the planet! Kristen, I’ll give you some advice that I gave Porsha Williams: when you go to sleep at night, pray for brains.

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Katie, Stassi and Kristina are out for lunch and Katie tells them about her conversation with Kristopath. Schwartz messages Katie and tells her that Sandoval and Jax will be joining them. That’s Stassi’s cue to leave the table. If I were Katie, I would’ve left too and let them hang out by themselves.

It’s not long after they show up does it take for Katie to confront Jax on the rumors he’s been spreading about her. Jax gets extremely nasty with her and Schwartz is just sitting there like his lapdog. Okay, that’s the last straw. I’m through with you, Schwartz! Get some balls and stand up for your girlfriend who’s being attacked by your so-called friends!

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Thanks for reading recap of last night’s episode! Let me know what you think in the comments section or tweet me @SalvaCam21. Next week’s episode looks juicy.