#PumpRules S03E11 “Tears Over Miami” Recap

It’s week eleven of Vanderpump Rules and this is probably my favorite episode so far. Why? Because Jax’s past is finally catching up with him and biting him in the ass. Unfortunately, the passive aggressive bullshit Kristen has been spewing at Ariana has taken its toll on her.

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So without further ado, let’s get into it, shall we?

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It’s the day after and they’re all hungover. They’re all recounting what they did the night before and here’s what happened: Vail was flirting and grinding with Jax all night. She thinks that he’s just a lovable idiot.

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No, Vail. He’s just an idiot. There’s nothing lovable about him. Although John may beg to differ. Who’s John you ask? Keep reading and you’ll find out. Back to what they did: Scheana did everything on her checklist, the guys were being guys and Schwartz and Katie had a great time and the trip really help put their relationship back on track, although it put a strain on Stassi and Katie’s friendship. But, as Schwartz says, “If something like this can break them up then maybe that relationship wasn’t worth having in the first place.” TouchĂ©.

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Stassi is at her house and Kristina Kelly comes over. They’re both talking shit and making fun of Scheana and everybody there. Hey, girls, before you start making fun of people, you may want to fix yourselves, and your lives first. And if you’re going to prance around and tell everyone that you’ve grown up, Stassi, you may want to actually grow up first.

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Tom goes over to his old friend’s place, John, to catch up and invite him out to dinner with the group later. Ah, the sweet smell of karma is in the air. John is a friend of Jax– I mean Jason– and Tom’s from when they were living and modeling in Miami together. John is gay and he and Jax were close, until they had a falling out and Jax moved to LA and changed his name from Jason to Jax. Hmm, lovers quarrel perhaps?

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Over at Scheana’s hotel room, her and Ariana are having a toilet paper wedding dress competition. Kristen shows up forty minutes late fresh from drinking and banging. Gross. Ariana is clearly uncomfortable and Scheana is oblivious to it because she’s trying to pretend everyone is liking each other for the sake of her. I wish she would snap out of it and kick Kristen off this trip and out of the group. Kristen’s throwing more shade and I just want my friend, who’s watching with me (and a girl), to grab Kristen through the screen and slap the crazy hoe-ness out of her.

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Scheana decides that Kristen will be the judge for the competition. Yeah, that’s smart. Get someone who’s biased against your competitor. Of course Scheana won.

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Everybody is at the pool having fun. Shay arrives and they start the slow clap. Katie and Schwartz’s relationship is obviously healing and doing better. I’m glad. Vail continues her flirting with Jax and she asks him what’s the longest he’s gone without sex. About four or five days. “Oh, my God! I think you might have a sex addiction,” Vail says. Jax’s response?

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It’s kind of common knowledge, Vail. Even the people who don’t know Jax know this.

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Stassi visits SUR and catches up with Lisa for a little bit. She tells her about all the tricks she used to do when she was still a waitress there. Basically camouflaging her drink to make it look like water, or mixing it with coffee and the ever popular, hiding it in the bathroom, where she actually found someone else’s stash. Yeah, I don’t think the SURvers will be getting away with these tricks anymore.

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It’s dinner time and everybody is there except for Tom and Ariana. Ariana breaks down on the way there because she’s reached her breaking point with Kristen. Tom holds her and cries along with her. He’s such a good boyfriend. He’s not afraid to get in touch with his emotional side. I need a boyfriend like him.

Afterwards, Tom tells Ariana about Jax and John and it is scandalous. I’m living for it. I don’t doubt that Jax has slept with guys. Like Ariana says, “Jax will sleep with anything. He did sleep with Kristen.”

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They arrive at dinner and Kristen’s entire demeanor changes. Whatever. John shows up soon after and Jax looks alert. They talk about how Jax used to sleep in John’s room and John still has a picture of Jax naked in his house. Um, what?

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Lisa and Stassi are having a drink and Stassi is telling Lisa about how much she’s grown up and she doesn’t want to surround herself with people who are a bad influence on her. And by bad influence she means people who will not blow smoke up her ass and won’t tell her the truth. One of those bad influences, however, happen to be Katie. She feels betrayed that Katie went to the bachelorette party and Lisa reminds her that she went to be with her boyfriend much like Stassi went to New York to be with hers.

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Vail is trying to get information out of him while Jax is in the bathroom but John insists on the “bro code.” Uh, since when has Jax respected the bro code? Besides, I thought they had a falling out and hated each other. I guess after all these years, they’re still in love with each other…well maybe John is still in love with Jax. We all know Jax only loves Jax.

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Everyone heads to the club and they’re all having fun, except Katie, who misses her best friend. She goes to a quiet place and calls Stassi. Stassi barely answers the phone and is ice cold to Katie. Katie, you deserve much better than her. Cut her out of your life and move on. You were a good friend to her– correction; you were a better friend to her than she was to you, as Lisa points out.

Lisa tries to reason with Stassi but Lisa is not saying anything Stassi wants to hear so she yells at Lisa and storms out. Why? Because she has no argument. Ooh, I hope Lisa puts this heifer in her place because she is the most entitled, selfish, piece of shit I’ve ever seen (second to Kristen).

Kristen and James are sitting down and James goes to get another drink. Tom sees this as the perfect opportunity to pull Kristen aside and talk to her. Kristen immediately starts with the water works.

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Tom is basically trying to tell her that they can’t be together because they’re relationship is too toxic but doesn’t want to tell her that she’s the toxic one. He breaks down crying and tells her that he cares about her and that whatever he’s doing with Ariana is not to hurt her. He wants her to be happy. Tom promises he will be cool with James and wants her to try and do the same with Ariana. The entire purpose of this conversation is so they can get some closure and to stop Kristen from torturing Ariana– at least that was the point of it for Tom. What was the point of it for Kristen? That this was Tom’s way of telling her that they have a chance of getting back together if he wasn’t with Ariana. So now Kristen will make it her mission– again– to break them up.

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Ariana and Tom, run!

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It’s time to leave. Scheana says that when he was drunk, Jax admitted to kissing John lots of time. The question isn’t if they kissed, it’s where they’ve been kissing each other and what else they’ve been doing? Gross, never mind. I don’t want to know.

I have to say, this episode has raised a few questions for me. Jax says that he came from “Middle America” to the modeling world that he perceived as “for homosexuals only” and thanks John for his nonexistent “modeling career.” He says that without him, he wouldn’t be where he is. Let’s break that down. They lived together and slept in the same room. Jax admitted to kissing John multiple times. They both got into a huge fight and never spoke to each other again, leaving Jax to move to LA and changed his name. Is John the reason why Jax is so…whorish? They do say that gay guys in denial sleep with a lot of women to prove to themselves that they’re not gay. I’m just saying. Jax always seems to be at his happiest around guys…

In next week’s episode, there’s more of Kristen plotting to break Tom and Ariana up and Katie finally stands up to Stassi and puts her in her place.

What do you think of this week’s episode? Let me know in the comments section or tweet me @SalvaCam21.

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