This has been a rather tumultuous season, to say the least. A lot of drama, a lot of tears, a lot of fun and a lot of gossip.
Everybody’s packing and getting ready to go to Miami. Jax got stitches on his head because he’s an idiot and because Karma bit him in the ass– or in this case, smacked him on the head. Tom and Ariana are annoyed that Kristen and James are going to Miami with them and I’m with ya. Ariana is just worried that Kristen will spoil the trip by trying to cause drama. There’s no need for Kristen to try, she is drama– and a terrible excuse for a human being.
We’re in Miami, bitch! Sorry, I had to. This episode was meant for that. So Vail’s expectations and hopes for this trip is to not get arrested. I’d say that sounds about right. They arrive at their hotel and Jax, James and Kristen ruined the whole rooming situation. Scheana’s hotel suite looks amazing! Poor Sandoval and Schwartz have a tiny room with one bed and the three of them have to share thanks to Jax’s cheap ass. If I were Sandoval, I’d book another room and take Schwartz with me so that Jax can be alone, because, let’s be honest, no one in this group wants to sleep with Jax– except maybe Vail… and Kristen.
Jax goes to take a shower and he literally has the ugliest and flattest ass I’ve ever seen in my life. Get some butt implants, dude. Scheana calls Lisa to thank her for the champagne and the room. Like I said, I would love to have Lisa as a boss.
Over at PUMP, Lisa is waiting for Pandora to arrive. Pandora is helping Lisa out by managing PUMP until she can find a new manager. Pandora is definitely her mother’s daughter. She is definitely a boss. This side of Pandora actually scares me a little. He he.
Everyone meets up for dinner. Scheana says that she loves how Tom and Ariana didn’t plan to wear matching outfits but they totally are. Kristen is clearly jealous and tries to throw shade but fails…miserably. Much like her life.
Sidenote: I know I sound so mean when I recap Vanderpump Rules but that’s because I’ve never seen anyone on television that annoys the hell out of me like Jax and Kristen. If they are not fired after this season, this may be my first and last season recapping and possibly watching. I love you, Lisa, but these two have got to go.
Ariana reads tasks for them to do while they’re in Miami. Okay, I didn’t think it was possible to love her any more than I already do, but it turns out, I was wrong. LOVE HER. Scheana tries to make a speech and drags Stassi into it only to find out that Stassi has stopped talking to Katie for going on the bachelorette trip. Stassi needs to actually grow the fuck up instead of telling everybody that she’s grown the fuck up.
Scheana then asks Jax why Tiffany wasn’t there and he’s making up lies. Vail wants to know if he and Tiffany are off again. For God’s sake, Vail! You’re the only one who cares about Jax! I guess, she’ll have to find out for herself why nobody likes him. He says that he told her not to come. Katie asks if it has anything to do with San Diego and he says yes. He immediately gets defensive because he has something to hide and threatens to pick on everyone at the table. You already have, dumbass.
Back at the hotel, Vail is following Jax around and flirting with him and prying into his business. I liked her at first, but I’m over her. She’s clearly setting herself up for drama and pain.
Over at PUMP, Pandora is managing the place and she is clearly not happy with Lisa for making her miss the bachelorette party. Also, who knew that Pandy was such a sassy pants? I guess she got it from her mama. See what I did there?
The next day Vail and Katie are talking about the night before. Vail was wasted and had no idea how she even got to bed. Katie warns her of his pattern of how he acts when he has a girlfriend and is trying to sleep with someone else. Vail says that Jax is calling himself a bad person and she feels sorry for him. Katie tells her that he is right and Vail feels bad. Everyone should stop warning Vail because this woman has to find out for herself why Jax is a bad person.
It’s time to get on the boat. It looks like a ton of fun. Ariana is of course, giving Scheana a twerking lap dance as she should. It’s starting to rain and Jax is the only one in the water. They’re pretending to leave him– I wish they would. On the boat, Jax admits he’s been texting his ex-girlfriend, Carmen and his current girlfriend, Tiffany. Basically being the piece of shit that he is. He also invited both of them to Miami.
It’s time for dinner and everyone left the hotel, leaving James behind. Shay is the only one who cares. There’s a dinner for guys only and the other for only the girls. Katie thanks Scheana for including her on the trip and is happy that they are both in a better place now. Wow, they really are doing the tasks that Ariana gave them to do, including signing a stranger’s ass. I have to say, for a cute guy, the stranger had a not so cute ass– though it was better than Jax’s.
Back at PUMP, Lisa and Pandora have a very nice and heartwarming mother-daughter talk. Lisa says that she knows she could never find someone who has the same taste as her and thirst for perfection so she created her. Literally.
Back at the guys’s dinner, Sandoval calls Jax out for banging a bootleg chick in their bathroom and Jax is denying it. Of course he is. James is texting the entire conversation to Kristen and she’s giving that evil, creepy grin, like a pervert. She is happy about this because according to Kristen logic, Jax will get backed into a corner and reveal the “truth” about Tom cheating on Ariana in Miami.
Kristen excuses herself and heads to the bathroom and Vail basically swipes her phone and reads the conversation to everyone. Okay, I love Vail again. She tells them about Jax railing a girl in the bathroom. Kristen comes back and it is awkward. And by awkward I mean hilarious. Scheana tries to get information out of Kristen and Kristen is pretending that everything is fine. This girl is so full of shit and everyone knows it.
Sandoval is calling out Jax again and Jax is getting more and more defensive and is trying to deflect by calling out Sandoval and Schwartz’s “cheating.” Sandoval heads to the bar and Jax follows. Jax tells him that he and Schwartz are like his brothers but yet he continues to fuck them over. But then again, they are the ones who keep him around so it’s like they’re asking for it.
Next week’s episode looks juicy. Rumors about Jax’s past with a guy comes to light. I’ll be honest, I’ve been hearing those rumors for years ever since Pump Rules started.
What did you all think about this week’s episode? Let me know in the comments section or tweet me @SalvaCam21.