#PumpRules S03E03 “Cutting Ties”

Vanderpump Rules is the sexy spin off The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It’s intense, crazy, sexy, fast-paced, funny, dramatic and all that other good stuff.

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We pick up right back where we left off from last week’s episode. Kristen and Tom Sandoval have been suspended and Kristen’s fame-whoring fetus boyfriend has been fired. Thank God. He looks, talks and acts like a douche. Plus, he probably smells like Kristen (stale coffee and cigarettes). I’d just like to say that Lisa’s butt is looking extra plump in those pants. That lady is bootylicious. James and Kristen are out talking about how unfair it is that he’s been fired and clearly he’s panicking because this could put an end to his non-existent reality TV career and put a strain on his so-called DJing career.

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Next, we have Stassi having lunch with her dad. She says she feels like she’s in pretty woman in the BH. Hey, if I was on Rodeo Drive, I’d feel like a prostitute in Beverly Hills too. I can totally relate. Stassi reveals that she’s stressed from moving twice in 6 months. Jeez, is she competing with Brandi for how many times she can move? Her dad jokes that he knows she misses Jax. “Gross,” she quickly responds. My sentiments exactly.

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Cut to Jax with his therapist. Am I the only who thinks those 2 are banging? Anyone? I feel there’s definitely some sexual tension between those two. If they are, I think she should lose her license. Not for being unethical, but for having bad taste in guys. Jax tells her about his older girlfriend living in Vegas, Tiffany and his much younger girlfriend, Carmen and how he got her name tattooed on his other arm. What a moron.

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We’re back to Psycho– I mean Kristen and her fame-whoring fetus boyfriend, James. She’s bitching that Lisa has it out for her. Maybe Lisa just doesn’t like you because you’re a terrible person. Seems more logical to me. But then again, we’re talking about Kristen. After talking about Lisa, she’s talking about Tom and how she’s paying Tom’s bills. Ugh. The fact that all she talks about is Tom when she’s with her fame-whoring fetus boyfriend and he’s okay with it should raise a red flag that he’s only banging her because she’s on a reality show. But then again, she probably sees the red flags and says, “Oh, how pretty.”

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Back to Tom Sandoval, who’s at the gym with Tom Schwartz. They’re just as happy as I am that James got fired but sadly, I have a feeling he won’t go away that easily. Fame-whores usually don’t. Of course there’s the obligatory “Have you guys been having sex?” question and sadly there’s nothing but a pile of rain checks on Tom Schwartz and Katie’s bed. That makes me sad.  Fortunately, Tom and Ariana have been having a ton. That feels awkward to write, seeing as Ariana will be my wife some day. Hmm…

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Then we’re at Villa Rosa briefly and I swoon every time I see Lisa’s closet. I also get very depressed as well because half of her closet is still bigger than my apartment in Taiwan ever was. Not to mention my current apartment now. Lisa is getting ready for the grand opening at PUMP and she looks amazing.

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Stassi visits SUR and her friend Kristina Kelly (is that name for real?) is the first one to welcome her back. Katie follows and they gave her the 4-1-1 on the staff meeting. They make fun of Kristen, yada, yada, yada.

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It’s time for the grand opening of PUMP and it is B-E-A-utiful! Lisa definitely outdid herself with this one. Back at SUR, James shows up for work…after being fired. The thirst is real with this one. At the grand opening, we see glimpses of Lisa’s friend Joyce (I miss her!), Pandora and Bobby Trendy. Peter (swoon) checks in with Ken really quick to make sure James was really fired, and he was. Move along James, nobody wants you here. And can you take Kristen with you? Thanks!

Stassi is having a drink at the bar and Scheana comes behind. I really miss their friendship and I wish they’d kiss and make up again. Stassi tells Scheana she was hurt that she tweeted bad things about her but Scheana corrects her and tells her she only re-tweeted bad things about her. And she also made it a point to remind her that Stassi was the one who cut her off so she doesn’t see why she should care.

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At SUR, Jax is questioning Kristina about Stassi and Kristina is not giving Jax any useful information and for once I’m liking her. Then Peter takes James out back and fires him, again, and it is glorious. While being fired, Ariana is sitting there, sipping on her drink, watching it all happen, like “But that ain’t none of my business.” and I love it. (Pictured above) As I said in my first blog, Ariana.Is.Everything!

Kristen is working out with her trainer..and talking about Tom Sandoval again. I wish she would have kicked herself in the head. Maybe for once it would shut her up.

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Tom and Ariana are at the batting cage. She literally hits every ball while he literally misses every ball. I love those two together. By the way, thanks Ariana for letting us know the proper temperature of balls. See, not only is she cool, she educates. Tom reveals that Kristen has been hounding him about that insurance thing and whatnot. Ariana comes up with the best line of the night, “Kristen is like human spam. I unsubscribe from you and then I get an email saying that I unsubscribed and it’s like ‘Bitch, I unsubscribed so I wouldn’t have to keep getting emails from you!” Amen, boo! Katie and Tom Schwartz are helping Stassi move into her apartment. It looks nice, very spacious. I’m jealous.

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Back at SUR, James takes Lisa aside (is he wearing one of Jax’s new chunky sweater from his sweater line?) and begs for his job back. He’s even written a letter to apologize for his actions and I have to say I’m impressed…slightly. He reads the letter and Lisa doesn’t seem phased. She says she’ll think about it and I’m screaming at my screen, “Don’t you do it, Lisa! Don’t!”

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Kristen arrives at Tom Sandoval’s apartment with Ariana there. As soon as Kristen walks in I’m scared for Ariana. I’m screaming “Run, boo! RUUUUUUN!” Why? There are 3 different levels of crazy: 1. Crazy, 2. Psycho 3. Kristen. Enough said. Kristen says she’s over Tom as long as she doesn’t have to think about Tom. The problem is, she’s always thinking about Tom and how she can ruin his life. Kristen wants her DVR back to break the ties but Tom is hesitant because he still has stuff on it that he wants to watch. Get Netflix like everybody else. No Kristen baggage guaranteed or your money back. She says it’s hard to watch Ariana in the apartment taking over her old life. No, Kristen, she’s not taking over your old life because 1. She’s actually happy 2. She’s nothing like you and 3. Just shut up. She tries to throw Tom kissing Ariana 3 years ago in their faces again and I’m over it. Ariana is prettier than you, she’s smarter than you, get the fuck over it, Kristen.

Next week’s episode looks interesting. The whole gang is back together for the first time, sans Jax, and it looks explosive! Thanks again for reading! Let me know your thoughts in the comments section.

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